Tuesday, March 24, 2009

George Carlin Imponderables




1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does

he become disoriented?



2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland

called Holes?



3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?



4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?



5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?



6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?



7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two

cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?



8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?



9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread

to begin with?



10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?



11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who

drives a race car not called a racist?



12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?



13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?



14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?



15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?



16.If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that

electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models

deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?



17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?



18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?



19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?



20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot

more as they get older; then it dawned on me . .they're cramming for their

final exam.



21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons

and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?



22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are

we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on

the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the

mail?



23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are

the others here for?



24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.



25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.



26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?



27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door

went nuts.



28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?



29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?



30. Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian

water know that spelling it backwards is NAIVE.



31. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing

section in a swimming pool?



32. OK . . . so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the

Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the

Tennessee Titans?



33. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea . . . does that mean the fifth

one enjoys it?



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